Well, the divorce was finalized and Master is planning. He choose the collar and pendant. The pendant isn't necessary, it's just an adornment to make it appear more vanilla for work. It's a permanent collar that will never come off. I will also be listed in the slave registery. It's all so exciting as We have waited a long time.
Unfortunately, the slave Master was training hasn't worked out. I feel badly as I know she is very submissive, however, He doesn't feel she is cut out for slave, only situational sub. I've been given the privilege to play with her at will. She says she loves us both and it's painful for her when I speak of him. It's almost like I'm in the middle.
One of Masters old squeezes found us on twitter and continues to harass him. He's never been monogamous however she wasn't aware and tends to be jealous. If only she could accept and understand him, she would realize that he still cares for her, but he's polyamorous. I came to find out about this soon after we met. I've always been fine about this, and in fact ask about his time with them as, honestly, it turns me on.
Because of her, Master deactivated his twitter and it's so disappointing because I so enjoyed his posts about the gorean lifestyle. Also it was a great outlet for us to express through tumblr pics, what turned us on. This old flame seems to be watching my twitter page now and I feel I can't post as I used to. I even blocked her and made my acct private, but somehow she still sees it. I wanted to deactivate it, however Master instructed me not to and continue doing what makes me happy. With his direction, I'm back but still with limitations of my own choosing. I think I may now change the name and/or ID if I possibly can.
Well, if anyone still follows me, I hope somehow my trivial slave life entertains... I'm sure I'll post more as my collaring comes closer.
I think we are special.., tho many may call us nuts.... He is off with an old squeeze and I'm okay wih it. She holds a special space with Him. I'm okay cause I know I'm His slave, his #1. We even hung out for a few hours before he met up with her. I'd rather know then it being a secret. I think He loves me even more for that... That there are no secrets between us. It comes down to fundamentals... Truth and honesty... Yep, call me crazy ;)
Master has instructed me to blog, to use this as an outlet for my feelings, how I've developed as a slave, finding my true life Master, my impending collaring, and the possibility and excitement of adding a slave sister to the relationship.
Is this a punishment? I really don't know. It certainly feels like it. How did it come about? I made a comment of how I was feeling so very blah and down this weekend. I felt horny and lonely. I love my Master dearly, but I really feel that He just didn't get it. Yes, I felt horny as we missed an opportunity to see each other and play. However, the loneliness was meant as a separate emotion. The loneliness... ughh.... that the personal issues I have going on aren't understood by anyone. That I feel like I have no where to turn to vent, to just talk it out with anyone. The feeling that I want to just walk into the ocean and just not come out. It had nothing to do with horniness. After Master gave me a stern talking to, I was instructed to use his cunt and masturbate until I was spent. Honestly, after that I had not a single desire to do so. None. I did as I was told but it did nothing for me and only put me in a deeper funk.
Do I think I have developed as a slave? I suppose I know what pleases my Master and as a slave, isn't that the goal? To please? And Master? In or out of the lifestyle, I feel that we would still have a special bond but the Master/slave lifestyle brings us so very very close. The love is so deep and profound, I think I've found my soulmate within Him and He says the same of me.
The collaring is soon. As anxious as we have both been, once again its postponed until my divorce is finalized. I find myself doubting my worthiness the last few days. Do I deserve to wear His collar when I'm still too selfish. Master has said it before and maybe He's right, I'm really just a submissive. Maybe I can't make that final step. Maybe I'm still just too needy.
Master has been patiently looking for the right person to become my slave sister and it seems we may have found her. She seems like a perfect fit within Master's "Kingdom" as He calls it. Things are still progressing but I hope it works out.
I have to shake this doom and gloom. I have a laundry list of things to do that Master has assigned me this week due to his frustration and disappointment regarding my "horny and lonely" remark. With work I have maybe a day and a half to find red shoes that meet his approval and to get a drawing done of the customized kef I'm to have tattooed as a part of my collaring. So now I just have the forboding feeling I'm either going to be punished or just dismissed instead of seeing him next. I can't cry this all out, it just hangs there, it wont finish and my head is pounding from it. What have I learned from this... right now I feel like I just need to shut my mouth and deal with it. As a slave, I need not bother my Master with my stupid emotions, move thru time and space until I can shake the dark feelings.
I'm an idiot. Master arranged private time for us and I have an assortment of items I'm required to bring (toiletries and things for His comfort). One of those items is a clean shirt. Thought I forgot it. So I had to purchase a new one. It aggravated Him and made Him wait. Therefore, I received punishment. I know Master could have been much harsher.
Well, this morning I went to put away things and I couldn't find the shirt I should have brought. Well, it dawned on me that I had put it in my car earlier in the week so I wouldn't forget it. Yeah... I'm a dumb ass with a red ass. I'm sorry again for the whole screw up Master 😖
I'm not sure why but I've been craving disipline from Master more. Perhaps I'm getting cozy in this slave mindset. The total submission, especially when bound actually gives me such peace. Even the very first time He bound me, I had no fear, just trust. Now I crave it, when he ties me so tight I can't take a deep breath. And the beating... Never would I have imagined that I'd need and want it like I do. And now I feel it just brings us closer and closer as He takes all of what He wants and needs.
Master, would you consider more please?
This morning Master sent an email asking why I had abandoned my blog. I hadn't abandoned it as much as I seem to get a little bit of writers block sometimes when I had sit down to actually do it... So I promised Master I would try it again. I suppose I could just ramble as I do at times when I'm sending Sir emails.
So an update on this slave's status. I've moved out of the family home and on my own. My kids aren't happy, but I knew there was a good chance I might have to deal with that. I'm hoping in time they will come around.
My freedom now allows Master to move forward to planning my future collaring. And currently, He doesn't feel the restriction of where He can leave marks on my body. He certainly can do whatever He wishes... I truly feel that. I've had times regarding other issues but He owns me and I am His to use as He wishes, all I can do is ask that He consider my request with full knowledge that it's ultimately His decision. I've also, just yesterday, thought what happens if in the heat of passion and intensity I just shout no? That kind of concerns me... I never have before, but I almost forgot my safe word yesterday and had to use it. And if your wondering, I actually asked for disipline... I wanted to be up against the wall and beaten... Master is kind enough to have given me as much as I could handle. So today I sport some beautiful developing bruises that by tomorrow will be pretty shades of purple and blue. Perhaps with Masters permission I'll be allowed to post a picture.
Also big news... Master thinks he may have found another slave. I'm so excited, however I am containing myself. Master describes me like the little excited dog who's running around in circles. I think I'm doing better waiting for Master to grant me the privledge of information and asking questions.
That's all for the moment, but perhaps I will make it my goal to update this blog once a week. I guess we'll see... Maybe more some weeks, maybe less.
I swear I don't do things on purpose. Maybe I'm losing my mind. I could have sworn that I was allowed to go out with friends with out asking permission as long as Master knew where I was and with whom. In the past I've always asked for permission anyway because a) He was always easily accessible by text or b) I had enough advanced notice. Well, last night, as a coworker and I were clocking out, she suggested we go have a quick drink or two and do a bit of bitching and gossiping. I immediately emailed Master to tell him of my plans. Master emailed me about an hour later and told me that this was improper and I should have asked permission.
Maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist. I hate making mistakes. And then this morning's email from Master just put me into a deeper funk as he brought up past issues that I thought were discussed and clarified. Maybe I need to ask more questions and ask for clarification more.
So again I'm feeling like a failure. Am I really cut out for this? I feel like I'll never earn His collar.... or if I do will I be constantly being punished? Maybe I'm only cut out to be submissive and not slave. So I'll spend my day re-reading my rules and contemplating.
My email to Master this morning: Can't help but think that in 12 hrs from now I'll have the honor of being on my knees for my Master... Worshipping, pleasing and loving Him as he deserves and needs.... To feel the kiss of His cane as well as His lips.... Binding my body to Him as well as my mind and soul... I know I'm a lucky slave and don't take a bit for granted... I love Master madly, passionately, always, forever
His reply: we both share those beautiful visions slave..love u deep
❤❤❤ Love Him❤❤❤
I'm His slave and I love it. I have ideas of why it works for me and like most its probably from my past.
I was a quiet only child who really wasn't allowed to speak my feelings too much. My mother remarried when I was 7 or 8, so perhaps she wanted me to be "seen and not heard".
I met my husband in high school and we married when I just turned 21. We got along great and I think I was more in love with the concept of marriage then the idea of marrying the man. I should have realized back then how selfish he was, but didn't. Like my mother before me, I realize now how submissive I am and that allowed me to tolerate more then other women may have. After a bankruptcy and in impending foreclosure that he still refuses to acknowledge I've decided to close the book on that part of my life.
I've had a few flings since. I also had a brief but what I thought was an intense relationship. One of the men I met enjoyed setting up groups of which I attended a few times. Turns out that my Master had been invited to at least one of these, but didn't attend. Fate or destiny was already trying to get us together. I've said to Master on several occasions that I lost a year of training and loving because He didn't show. At least He found me now.